I remember a few years back, a conversation with a younger friend where I shared that God had been teaching me much about holding those I love with an open hand, trying not to saddle them with the burden of my expectations. I realize now, a few years after the fact, that I'm still just an infant in my understanding of what that brand of bighandedness relationships is all about.
My initial understanding was a comprehension I struggled and fought long and hard against before finally conceding defeat to its truth. I wanted to grab tight ahold of those I loved, wrapping my arms around them, pulling them as close to me as I could and holding on for all I'm worth. Sounds loyal and devoted - but it also sounds suffocating.
I grasp that truth with my mind? Why hasn't it become any easier to put into practice?
Why? I find I still fight long and hard against practically living this truth. I forget and grasp and cling desperately (metaphorically speaking) to my husband, my children, my closest friends with fist tightly clenched... and I know better. Generousity with time, money and possessions seems so uncomplicated when I compare that to liberal openhandedness with the people who matter most to me.
The funny thing? Often the hardest one to trust when it comes to those I love is the the One Who is most trustworthy. I think that must be where expectations come into play. I have to offer those relationships back to God with an open hand... without expectations for what God might do, how He might lead, in the future... Those precious earthly bonds must be submitted to His sovereignty and divine rule.
So I'm still a sometimes "open-handed-wannabe."
I wonder if someday clothing myself in that type of generosity and openness will ever become a habit?
"Don't look back when you reach the new shore, Don't forget what you're leaving me for, Don't forget when you're missing me so, Love must never hold, Never hold tight but let go."