Have you come to take away our souls?

Have you ever prayed to the Lord and asked Him to show you something… anything… beyond any shadow of any doubt... just so you can be sure?

I have... I still do... some times, some days...

My husband and I have often discussed this. He rarely doubts God, rarely questions if He is true, if He is good, if Jesus is Who He says He is and really did come and do what the Scriptures say He did. I, on the other hand, struggle with doubt more often than I care to admit.

In John 10.24, Jesus spoke to a group gathered around Him, Jews who had come to the temple for the Festival of Dedication. Today more commonly called Hanukkah, or the Festival of Lights, was not one of the original commemoration ceremonies instituted by God. Rather, it was/is a remembrance – according to rabbinic tradition – of a very specific provision by God. At the same time, it recalls what could seem to some an “inconsequential in the grand scheme of things” miracle. Historically this miracle took place in the time between the Old and New Testaments: Seleucid king Antiochus Ephiphanes desecrated the Jewish temple, forcing the Jews to abandon God’s prescribed system of worship and sacrifices. God's chosen people were obliged to adopt pagan rituals until the Maccabees (a group of Jewish freedom fighters) refused, rose up and overthrew the Seleucids. Once the Jews had regained access to the temple, they found a single, small, sealed jug of olive oil that had not been profaned and was, thus, acceptable for use in worship. They used this oil to light the temple menorah, expecting the oil to suffice for only a single day; miraculously, it endured for eight - the amount of time needed for more oil to be made ready. Thus, the Jews gathered around Jesus were in Jerusalem celebrating and remembering miraculous provision.

Not only that, but they had gathered in a location where God had traditionally accomplished great things (Matthew Henry), Solomon's Colonnade. 

At such a place, for such a purpose, at such a time, the Jews listened… and then confronted... Jesus. Standing in the presence of the most miraculous of all provisions, the Messiah of the World, in a place where the evidence of God’s hand had been so clearly present, the Jews asked Jesus a rather blunt question.

Most commentators suppose that the primary goal of this question was to waylay Him.

Look at some of the different renditions/translations of their question:

• “…and said unto him, how long dost thou make us doubt?” (Gill)
• “how long dost thou take away our soul?” as per the Vulgate Latin, Syriac, Persic, and Ethiopic versions 
• “wherefore dost thou steal away our minds with words?” (Nonnus)

The Jews charge Christ with taking away their souls, or stealing away their hearts by hiding Himself from them. Strong words.

I find I can often easily identify with the Jews in this passage....

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Please join me over at Missionary Mom's Companion, to read the rest of this post.

Five Minute Friday ~ Weary

Well, it wasn't the word that I WOULD have chosen...

But it does describe, quite accurately, how I'm feeling today.

The last few weeks have been challenging - not in the totally-overwhelmed-can't-do-this-another-day sort of way...

...but rather in the we've-been-at-this-for-a-really-long-time-and-I'm-way-past-ready-to-see-the-last-bend-in-this-mini-marathon sort of way.

First, one kid got sick... the upchuck-throw-it-up-kind that even after twenty years of parenting - including parenting eight kids in a land where abundant amoebas and giardias and plasmodia meant not unfrequent bouts of vomiting chez nous - that particular illness always leaves me nauseated and sick feeling even when I'm not. It also means I was running up and down the stairs at intervals during sick nights to check on said child.

Then, two more got sick... thankfully it was just the sneazy, snotty nose stuff. Until it turned into the coughing at night until we did the steamy shower so that everyone could rest for a few hours before the coughing started all over again. That lasted two weeks.

But, about halfway through that round, another one fell. Same story, different verse. Sometimes, I wish I was one of those moms who could sleep through others coughing at night. I used to be able to. Then we had our own mini-epidemic of pertussis. Four out of eight, including one still not a year old. Now, I awake in a panic during night-time coughing spells. ALMOST. EVERY. TIME. 

We'd reached what I was thinking was the final bend in this race. I started to relax, thinking I'd be able to get to all those things that needed to be done, but that I'd pushed aside because I was just weary and lacking the oomph to get anything much past the critical-urgent done. Then a night time tap and a hubby with severe abdominal pain. A next day trip to the ER, two days of waiting rooms, tests and consulting with doctors ended with a diagnosis of diverticulitis.

Of course, don't forget that in the midst of this, children are trying to study for end of marking period exams in their second language - one that two of them really don't get very much at all.

It has been a wearying three weeks.

At the same time, we've seen such neat evidences of God's care through it all:

• People wanting to contribute to Anna's missions trip in February;
• Teachers going the extra mile to help our children succeed in this latest language adventure;
• Friends willing to transport then sit with and keep company in waiting rooms;
• Pray-ers who ask how things are going;
• Nurses who make midnight house calls to correct mistakes and bring forgotten meds.

Hard isn't bad. But it can be wearying.

Thankful God, in His omniscient providence, planned a three day weekend for our family!

Thankful our church leadership planned a soup and salad luncheon for Sunday... and for the excitement of kids preparing to go to church this Sunday disguised as Anna and Elsa, Tom and Jerry, Mario and Luigi, Tuareg bride and Michigan hunter

We need both: the rest and the fun!

"I just don't feel like you love me!"

That statement, flung at me by one of my daughters, was first prefaced with the claim that she and I must speak different love languages and was in the context of an angry, grumpy, exhausted day where said daughter felt she was entitled to something (that was hers) the very moment she demanded it.

It reminded me of all that volcanic activity that we saw while we were out in Yellowstone last summer.

Her comment angered me and frankly, my first "reactive" thoughts ran along the lines of, "Fine then. Why don't I just give you a very tangible taste of what it would really 'feel' like if I didn't love you."

Which infuriated me. Not just my daughter's angry and hurtful words. My initial response, I mean.

I so totally despise that feeling of infuriating myself... It usually means that in my thought life (if not actually acted out in real time), I'm acting no differently or better than a child... my child.

The temptation is always there. I want to walk through life, assuming a landscape of entitlement, insisting that things go just the way I think they should with self at the center of all. That might be because I think I've worked hard enough and I deserve it... or because things have been so bad and hard lately I should get a break... or because I am important (for this or that reason) and people around me should recognize that and value me... or because my contribution is a little more vital and they'd really miss me if I stopped [contributing] so they'd better not tick me off... or because...

I could keep on going, couldn't I.

The problem with living that way is that I'm just like a volcanic landscape.

Sometimes those feelings bubble and boiling to the surface, little poofs of steam sometimes shoot up, all hinting and giving glimpses of the ugly underneath when too much life pressure builds up. That odor permeating the area? It's distinct - not overpowering but always noticeable. Kinda sulfery. Most would be hard-pressed to describe it sweet, mild, pleasant - or a place to hang out for a significant time.

Other times, there's not noticeable fuming or exploding. But clearly? Something unhealthy is going on underneath, for the visible landscape it missing something. I has a desolate air to it: things once growing and vibrant have died and signs of new life are nonexistent. People who tread that landscape always do so hesitantly, scared of what all that energy just below the obvious surface might do to them should it be unleashed. Who wants to stick it out long term when that sort of blackmail threat is always buried, just out of sight, but still palpable?

Then there are always those who begin to rumble and grumble and then just spew heat and hate and anger and entitlement... sometimes predictably, sometimes only every so often and clearly not when expected, sometimes large and wide, sometimes narrow and high with deadly force and precision.

I don't imagine many would say, "I want people to think of a geologic nightmare, intriguing and fascinating though it may be, like the landscape of Yellowstone... when they think of me." Personally, Yellowstone was the kind of place that was nice to visit. But it wasn't one of the places we saw on our travels where I said, "I could just plant myself here and never leave..." It was too volatile- it sometimes felt (and I don't know if this would make any sense to anyone else) voyeuristic, not to mention overstimulating and just plain exhausting.

As I've thought back many times at first, but just recently once again, to my daughter's furious fuming that began this whole mind-and-heart-meander, I had one final light bulb ping.

I make similar statements to God time and time again. Just like Job did. Until he realized. 

What was Job's response?

"I know that You can do all things, And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted. 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. Hear, now, and I will speak; I will ask You, and You instruct me. I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear; But now my eye sees You; Therefore I retract, And I repent in dust and ashes." (NASB, from Job 42)

 Or phrased another way...

“I’m convinced: You can do anything and everything. Nothing and no one can upset your plans. You asked, ‘Who is this muddying the water, ignorantly confusing the issue, second-guessing my purposes?’ I admit it. I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me, made small talk about wonders way over my head. You told me, ‘Listen, and let me do the talking. Let me ask the questions. You give the answers.’ I admit I once lived by rumors of you; now I have it all firsthand—from my own eyes and ears! I’m sorry—forgive me. I’ll never do that again, I promise! I’ll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor.” (The Message, from Job 42)

Thanks to Anna for her photos of Old Faithful.

in which I "think with my fingers" about an article titled "Why Millennials are leaving the Church"

One recent morning at church, we were challenged not to "turn moments of ministry to moments of anger because [we] make everything about self..."**

Additionally, we heard: 

...relationships of unity and understanding are not rooted in emotion or romance {or nostalgia or any of the other "feel-good" emotions}... rather they are rooted in worship.**

And then recently, I read: 

Human beings by their very nature are worshipers. Worship is not something we do; it defines who we are. You cannot divide human beings into those who worship and those who don’t. Everybody worships; it’s just a matter of what, or whom, we serve.” ~Paul David Tripp

Ouch!

That first (the subsequent as well, but particularly the first) statement touches about every single relationship in and aspect of my life... if I let myself think about it and even a fraction of the implications in daily life.

While thinking about those quotes, I read an article entitled "Why Millennials are Leaving the Church..."

I see articles like that and they concern me. There's a tendency (at least in my circles) to dismiss - because of knowing of the author, knowing of that individual's perspective and of knowing that there's many areas of disagreement... But then again, I think I really should pay attention - not to determine the right or the wrong of what has been written but to get at the heart of the problem as the younger generation perceives it. I've got children who qualify as millennials - I think it is worth my effort to understand, not so that I can debate the right or the wrong, but to better prepare me for parenting my rapidly maturing and growing up young'uns.

Words like these make me start asking myself hard questions (all quotes are from the article) ~

"...young adults perceive evangelical Christianity to be too political, too exclusive, old-fashioned, unconcerned with social justice and hostile to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people."

"...young evangelicals often feel they have to choose between their intellectual integrity and their faith, between science and Christianity, between compassion and holiness." 

"...the evangelical obsession with sex can make Christian living seem like little more than sticking to a list of rules, and how millennials long for faith communities in which they are safe asking tough questions and wrestling with doubt." 

"...church-as-performance is just one more thing driving us away from the church, and evangelicalism in particular." 

"What millennials really want from the church is not a change in style but a change in substance... an end to the culture wars... a truce between science and faith... to be known for what we stand for, not what we are against... to ask questions that don’t have predetermined answers... churches that emphasize an allegiance to the kingdom of God over an allegiance to a single political party or a single nation... friends to feel truly welcome in our faith communities... to be challenged to live lives of holiness, not only when it comes to sex, but also when it comes to living simply, caring for the poor and oppressed, pursuing reconciliation, engaging in creation care and becoming peacemakers." 

"You can’t hand us a latte and then go about business as usual and expect us to stick around. We’re not leaving the church because we don’t find the cool factor there; we’re leaving the church because we don’t find Jesus there."

My first tendency, frankly, is to "amen" whole-heartedly because that bold-faced quote at the end is what I want my church to be, that is what I'm striving for as I pray and serve and work and minister. But then I must ponder: "How is it that the church, my church, is failing to communicate this goal, that this message is at their heart as well, to millennials and others?" I take heed, because I've heard similar sentiments, coming from the youth with whom I've worked and from my own becoming young adults.

I'm asking the Lord to show me if perhaps I am, and my church is, missing moments of ministry because others only perceive our disapproval and anger at sin (which sin rightfully should remain offensive to us) rather than a genuine challenge to live a holy life in every domain. 

Is it possible that I communicate a greater weight of importance centering on emotions and impressions and traditions of what's always done rather than worshipful service to the Almighty and relationships?

What do you think?

What other questions should I be asking?

How do we confront the precious people of the millennial generation with their sin, need for a Savior and His sacrificial gift as well as His daily sustaining grace? How do I grow so that my words and action communicate authentic worship and service, even when perspectives and understandings are different?

Any ideas?

**I think the opening quotes are by Paul David Tripp, but I didn't catch (or write down) the name.

The Foolishness of Faith ~ Thoughts prompted by a debate ~

Tim often accuses me of liking to debate... Actually, he usually calls it arguing, but that's beside the point. 

Look at that face... This is one who clearly and truly LIKES to debate.
She'd argue with a fence post. Of course, my mom always said the exact same thing about me...

I never "did" debate in high school (He did). In fact, I avoided speech class unless absolutely necessary, and always opted for options that did not require me to stand and speak in front of others. While studying at Penn State, I took the required speech class that only necessitated one longer, more intensively researched presentation instead of choosing one requiring several smaller, easier-to-prepare speeches. It wasn't the preparation that I found difficult... 

In fact, I never even saw a debate until I was big and grown up and thought that I should actually watch a presidential debate to be more informed as a voter - at least at that time, the debate was a bit of a joke and more theatrical than informationally substantial.

This debate, however, intrigued me...

...because this is a question that comes up from time to time in my life.

Is it awful for a "missionary" to admit that?

What does it mean if I confess that I walk through seasons where I want to believe, I choose to believe, and I do believe that the grace to believe can only come from God. But I still have moments, days, seasons where I wonder if... I wonder if this life is all there is.

It's actually pretty scary, sometimes.

And a very uncomfortable place to be.

Watching a debate like this one can be downright terrifying. After all, what if the wrong side ends up being more convincing... more plausible... more whatever?

I finally have come to the point where I don't mind the wrestling. I know I've said it before - Jacob left limping, but blessed. I keep coming back to him because, for some reason, that story in the Bible speaks to my heart. I do identify with that particular biblical character... and he was, wasn't he? A character. In almost every sense of the word.

Really.

So I regularly examine this faith I've claimed as mine, making sure I still know and believe all those things I'm so willing to profess, verbally as well as in written formats.

For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written, “I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart.”

Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 1:18-31, ESV)

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How about you? 

Do you ever have doubts? 

Do you ever wonder if this life is all there is ...

or if there really is something more - an eternity to anticipate?

If you do struggle with these sorts of thoughts, 

how do you address them when they come?

Do you believe it is sinful to doubt and to wrestle with the reality of faith?

Why or why not?

PS~ I've not yet finished watching the debate linked to in this post; 

it takes awhile with our internet here. 

But I'm planning to finish it this weekend!

If you take the time to watch, be sure to comment with your impressions!

Movie star drama or donkey doldrums?

A few weeks back, I touched on this subject - just a little.

An online friend wrote something that I also felt approached this same idea. I made a comment on her post (Her blog has become one of my top two favorite blogs. Here's the blog post, "When you land in a dramatic story," if you wanna go and read it. I highly recommend you do.)

In her post, she asks questions like:

1. As missionaries telling our stories, is it pride that likes "that recognition of story that sets [us] apart, that makes [us] 'brave,' that screams of drama?"
2. Is it wrong to feel good about ourselves as "the missionary returning home after a season of noble work?"
3. When a missionary hears herself with this attitude, should "pride catch... in [her] throat and makes [her] want to throw up?'
4. Are Christian women, instead, supposed to be "...mumbling and rushing.  Hiding and minimizing.  Turning the tables and the questions back around, deflecting attention and spotlight?"
5. "Isn’t humility constantly pointing elsewhere, love continually asking the questions rather than answering them?" (emphasis mine)

In her post, Laura comes to this conclusion: 

"To hide my journey... how does that glorify God? Because didn’t he do the miraculous back there? Didn’t he redeem broken, awful things in and around me... my story hould never trump the value of another’s just because some of it took place in the realm of the humanly-speaking dramatic, neither should my story be negated for the same reason. Because to refuse to own the journey, regardless of if it might lead to applause or anonymity, is to hide glory that was fought for in the heavens."

What was my comment?

"I've been asking myself [a similar] question - Does God appreciate me and the service that I offer, or those sacrifices I've made? Am I arrogant to even ask that question? Does He ever feel gratitude for those times when, by His grace, I get it right? Does He ever whisper... or say... or shout, 'Thank you, dear! It just thrills my heart as I watch you being, doing and striving for me...' 

And if He does, shouldn't my heart response be a simple, 'You are so welcome, Lord.'

Could that be what we are doing, saying 'You are so welcome, Lord,' when we share those dramatic stories and then fight that battle inside between glorifying God and our arrogant tendencies to make a name for ourselves? 

And why would I even expect for the answer to fall on a neat, clean line that is obvious all of the time when His Word repeatedly tells me that moderation and gentle, quiet spirits full of the grace to accept God's thanks - are things I'm going to have to work and fight for? And that they are so worth that fight?"

Sometimes, missionary-mom ministry is exciting and dramatic. 

More often, at least in my experience, I might as well be a donkey. (Especially when airport travel is involved, my claim to fame is that I am the family donkey. I find it a tad humorous. No one else thinks it is funny. Probably because they recognize it to be true...) 

I sometimes feel like the unappreciated, forgotten missionary, Jesus follower, wife and mama,  sequestered away to the back side of the desert where I don't even get to leave town for years at a time or to see my grandparents on their birthdays. I clean dishes, wake up early to bake bread and make donuts, do load after load after load of laundry, prepare Bible studies that the women forget to attend, sit with my friend who just lost her daughter but really can't say much of comfort because I can barely communicate, sweep and dust just so that I can sweep and dust all over again, design education plans for struggling students who seem like they could care less, write requested radio drama scripts that may never be broadcast because funding is just not available to produce them....

Then, out of the blue is one of those dramatic moments. God does something amazing and I am somehow, for some reason known only to Him, an integral piece. It is amazing to be in that place. 

And people notice. And I don't feel so forgotten. I remember that it is all worth it because He is worth it. And I start to feel good about myself and what I'm doing. And I am re-energized in my walk with the Lord and my commitment to all aspects of this ministry. And I dive right back in, looking to repeat that mountain top success experience. And I forget and start thinking I am integral to what He is doing. And I'm tempted to get a big head and think that everything balances on me and my contribution. And I start believing what is important is what I am doing. And I might just follow my own independent agenda instead of seeking the Lord and joining Him in His work, His agenda...

It's a pendulum careening from exciting movie star drama to the donkey doldrums. 

I'm asking myself some hard (for me) questions: 

1. Could I hop off that roller coaster ride if I wanted to?
2. Do I want to?
3. If I learned to hear and accept the Almighty's whispered thank you and bask in that, might either the abundance of excitement and drama or the lack become unimportant?
4. Why would I even expect for the answers to fall on a neat, clean all-the-time-obvious lines when His Word repeatedly tells me that moderation and gentle, quiet spirits full of the grace to accept God's thanks - are things I'm going to have to work and fight for? 
5. And that they - moderation and a gentle quiet spirit - are so worth the struggle?

Could He, Would He, ever say "Thank you, dear," to me?

What do you think God's Word says relative to this question?

A 31 Day Grand Prix {day 3} ~ Walk with Him Wednesday ~ "Aw Dad! Stop ruining my life!"

Ummm.... yeah....

This really is the three year old gal who said that to her daddy just the other day...

...when he reminded her to obey her babysitting big sister while he ran a quick errand.
She also begs for us to let her drive ~ like EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!!

How often do I say essentially the same thing to God?

"AW, Heavenly Father!"

"Stop ruining MY life!"

<------------------------------------->

Especially when it comes to my comfort and convenience.
Especially when it comes to what I want.

Especially when it comes to this topic of suffering.

OUCH!

I am not my own... I have been bought with a price...
He gives... and takes away... Blessed be the name of the Lord!

But he said to her, "You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" In all this Job did not sin with his lips. (Job 2.10)

Take my life and let it be

consecrated Lord to thee. 

Take my silver and my gold. 

Not mite would I withhold

not a mite would I withhold.

I've spent over 40 years singing that song at church.
I wonder if I've ever really meant it.

And I could write more, but the kettle is whistling and I really NEED that cup of coffee this morning.

Other than drinking coffee, 
what's your best strategy for graciously accepting suffering... 
those times when God, because of His great love, 
says it is better 
to have that which we love taken away...
or to give that which we don't want?

Do you think that 
accepting suffering, 
as another gift from the hand of God,
is an important aspect of gentle and quiet spirit?

Also joining up with Ann for Walk with Him Wednesday, writing what God's teaching about the practice of suffering.

Entering a 31 Day Grand Prix {day 1}
A 31 Day Grand Prix {day 2} - the wordless book, a flute and a song

Multitude Monday - 1000 Gifts ~ Through the Flood

We're back to school today.

Not often that you get to celebrate back to school twice in one academic year.

I hope to post more pictures later this week.

I'm amazed, grateful, humbled, encouraged... yes, very tired, since Elsie Mae was also quite sick with malaria this last week.

And this is one of those rare times when I don't have words...

But these are the words of thanksgiving I'm praying to God - today for sure... and probably for many days to come.

You let men ride over our heads; 
we went through fire and water, 

but you brought us to a place of abundance. 

Psalm 66.12

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. 

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; 

the flames will not set you ablaze. 

Isaiah 43.2

You have shown your people desperate times; 
you have given us wine that makes us stagger.
Psalm 60.3

He brought me out into a spacious place; 

he rescued me because he delighted in me. 
Psalm 18.9

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you;
he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
Deuteronomy 31.8

 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, 

I will fear no evil: 

for thou art with me; 

thy rod and thy staff they comfort

Psalm 23.4

Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; 
surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. 
Psalm 32.6

this week's gratitude list:

(#'s 3097 - 3122)

God's Word, speaking to every situation

His Words for when we have no words

resuming school 

"One more sleep!"

"Back to School... Take Two"

that the lightening didn't cause more damage

my brave, sweet Elsie Mae with all the IVs and medicines and painful "shots" of antibiotics... she never complained nor cried and kept her lovely sense of humor the whole time she was at the clinic

seeing my little gal running around healthy and laughing and playing and full of energy

sand covered but clad only in their panties little girls digging in the sand like puppies... anyone else remember that kids' book: The Digging-est Dog (or something like that)?

...and she can swallow pills, so that makes taking the quinimax (for malaria) so much easier! 

tricycles next to trees so they can be climbed

laughing (when we shouldn't) at goats on the roof of the corolla

planted basil... now hopefully it grows

bananas almost ripe

pineapples really growing

baby mango trees

distracted by friends during a thunderstorm - so no tears

safe arrivals

new "red" computer

fixed router

protection and wisdom

praying for protection and wisdom

a superbly fun and delightful Saturday afternoon with new friends from that "land down under" celebrating our brand new 6 year old!

watching girls try vegemite

threading meat, zucchini and onions on skewers for some super yummy brochettes marinated in something I made up and that tasted really, really yummy - too bad I'll never be able to recreate it again!

finishing a really hard read that really made me think

Photo credit: Linda Watt