Can't remember the last time I so looked forward to summer

When I was a kid, I remember my dad (well, at least I think it was him) sing-song saying, as summer vacation started, "School's out, school's out, someone's let the fools out!"

He couldn't be more right and I will gladly accept the title of "fool" this year, for what a year it was. As I wrote back in December, I've never felt more unequipped, unqualified and under stress in a job than this past year. 

After December, it didn't really get better either. I am pretty sure I don't like this leadership gig. When we left Africa, I somehow thought cross-cultural ministry in a more western culture would be easier. It isn't. I've never felt more like an outsider than this past year.

But I'm also stubborn, don't like to give up, and most importantly, I don't think God has asked me to move on, at least not yet.

Last Sunday, the sermon focused on Jesus' interaction with the man with leprosy found in Luke 5. 

While He was in one of the cities, behold, there was a man covered with leprosy; and when he saw Jesus, he fell on his face and begged Him, saying, “Lord, if You are willing, You can make me clean.” And He reached out with His hand and touched him, saying, “I am willing; be cleansed.” And immediately the leprosy left him.

I've read these verses many times. Hearing them read aloud, in French, I noticed something I had never noticed before. In French, the word, or expression, used by the leper was "make me pure." I immediately thought, "Hmmmmm... interesting... I wonder why he requested purity and not healing?" Same thought could have crossed my mind in English, "Why did the leper ask to be cleaned instead of healed?"

I know all about the image of leprosy representing impurity, or uncleanliness, in the eyes of God. As a result, those sick with the disease were forced to live outside the camp, crying out "Unclean!" any time they were in proximity of others. I don't understand why God chose this image and why those sick with the disease were forced to live with this burden of exclusion and rejection by society and his people. If I am being honest, it is one of those things that has always bothered me and doesn't fit with the image of God I want to be able to tuck in my back pocket and carry around with me.  Since I can't create God in my image, however, I'm stuck wrestling with this incomprehension and tension. So, all of that to say, I do understand the use of the word clean in the leper's request, but...

For those of us reading the biblical text in this day and age, without that same background connotations and with only the knowledge that leprosy is disease, I think the use of the word clean is perfect and perfectly fascinating. 

Back to the leper - he falls on his face and begging, praying, that the Lord would be willing to cleanse him...

I immediately thought of long moments over this past school year, on my face before the Lord, tearfully imploring him to...

• fix things,
• make it all go away or at least go a bit more smoothly,
• show me what I could do to do to fix things,
• send us to a different mission field,
• just let me teach English with business people,
• give me at least a little energy to face another day,
• comfort me with his presence because this season was so, so lonely,
• help me to walk the halls of the school and actually continue doing the job,
• and a million other things essentially along those same lines.

Many of those prayers? Well, he promises he hears them. 

In retrospect, I can see how others he faithfully answered... on repeat. 

They were the prayers like the leper's prayer, even though I never, ever prefaced my prayers as that man did - stating my confident knowledge of his absolute power to grant any request while humbly acknowledging that THAT wouldn't happen... 

...unless God was willing.

Ever wonder what prayers God is willing to answer?

The ones that are prayed according to his will, and not just a "may Thy will be done" in closing. 

It is the prayers that reflect the character of God and his image within me, that bring honor and glory to his name, that permit his truth and light to shine, that point any watching eyes (including my own) in his direction.

Two answers to prayer, directing my eyes and heart to seek refuge in God and God alone, are two songs literally breathing just enough courage into my wary weariness that I can continue another day. They have been earworms (as my kids say), stuck in my head, and I am so thankful.

The first is Lauren Daigle's Thank God I Do. Read the lyrics : 

I've seen love come and

I've seen love walk away

So many questions

Will anybody stay?

It's been a hard year

So many nights in tears

All of the darkness

Trying to fight my fears

Alone, so long alone

I don't know who I'd be if I didn't know You

I'd probably fall off the edge

I don't know where I'd go if You ever let go

So keep me held in Your hands

I've started breathing

The weight is lifted here

With You, it's easy

My head is finally clear

There's nothing missing

When You are by my side

I took the long road

But now I realize

I'm home with You, I'm home

I don't know who I'd be if I didn't know You

I'd probably fall off the edge

I don't know where I'd go if You ever let go

So keep me held in Your hands

You're my safe place

My hideaway

You're my anchor

My saving grace

You're my constant

My steadiness

You're my shelter

My oxygen

I don't know who I'd be if I didn't know You

Thank God, I do

The second song was written by my daughter for a school assignment. She had to compose the music, write the words and put the whole thing together, recording it for her class.  When she played the final version for me on our way in to school the morning it was due, I bawled (I know... not the most conducive for safe driving.).

I don't have her permission to share the recording of her song, but these words:

Home is not a place

It's the people you're with

The place I feel safe

Because you're who I'm with...

Home's never a place

It's who we are

The place we feel safe

Because you're who I'm with.

Her song is the cry of a Third Culture Kid's heart, but it has also been the cry of her cross cultural worker-mama's heart, realizing all over again that the only safe space, the only home, is near to the heart of God because that is who He is. As I work in the garden, fold laundry, or just sit and stare out the window at the river and the sunset, these words run through my head, healing my heart.

Summer, a season for growth and rest, 

an answer to prayer.