Donner Memorial Park

The name "Donner" is a bit infamous... but actually is a tragic and amazing story of survival. Ever heard of that Animal Planet series, "I Shouldn't be Alive?" It's got nothing on the series of unfortunate and ill-planned events that happened to this group of people.

Listening to, watching re-enactment videos, reading about this story once again... watching my children learn about this moment in history... re-emphasized the importance of not judging others until I've walked in their shoes... not saying, "I would've never done that!" without actually having been in the situation and not done that... because "there, but for the grace of God, go I..."

Some of the paintings in the museum were amazing...

This butterfly display captured our kids' attention for several minutes.

Waiting for the video to begin.

The "gang"

the memorial...

They say the snow that year was as deep as the stone pedestal part of the memorial... that's a lot of snow!

It was a sobering and informative morning... and then it was time for us
to start trekking east.

wanting to be both wise and graceful

You know this, my dearly-loved brethren 

...let every one be quick to hear, 

slow to speak, 

and 

slow to be angry.

Weymouth New Testament

James 1.19

With the arrival of the really, really hot season... lots of power cuts... and Mom and Dad with very busy schedules that precludes lots of afternoons at the pool, the littlers have started rewatching the Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman episodes that we still have hanging around. While they've watched, I've been busy working away in the same room, sorting books, working on IEPs, folding laundry, planning road trips back to Michigan from California...

I've not been watching, but I have been listening.

I've noticed two things:

1. First, while I still thoroughly enjoy the show, sometimes the dialogue alone, without the visual/video component, is pretty cheesy.
2. Second? Many of the characters on the show are generally two dimensional, predictably reacting instead of thoughtfully responding, only looking at issues and circumstances from their singular point of view, sure of the correctness of their opinions and the exclusivity that their opinion is the only right way to look at an issue, and very, very, very vindictive - actually taking enjoyment in another's punishment or seeing a sinner live his/her consequences. Characters, for the most part, are entirely unwilling to walk a mile in another's shoes or to even consider considering the world from a different perspective.

And so I'm listening, and I'm thinking, "Ouch!"

You see, I like to think I'm fairly open-minded and slow to act on internal judgments and my tendencies towards critical attitudes... but in reality I'm guilty just like those fictional Colorado Springs inhabitants, a lot more than I'd care to admit. It might be the temptation to leave a snarky comment on a blog... or respond similarly to one left on my blog. What about my immediate response to a situation at work I don't like? Do I assume it was done that way just to irritate me or impede me in my responsibilities? Someone says no to a request and I can't accept that it is because they are genuinely busy, but rather that they don't like me. You publicly disagree with me? Why is it that my first (interior, where thankfully it usually reamains) response is thinking about vindictively and publicly attacking you back? 

I'm good at talking about grace, recognizing God's grace, expecting and even demanding it from other people when I want it offered to me... but  then never REALLY want to go through the work of generously giving grace to others, of assuming best intentions (or at least not evil directed toward me personally),  or of trusting in the possibility that God is doing a mighty work within that other person - even when I don't understand or agree with all of their stands, decisions, actions or words.

Seems to me that wisdom is also a very important component of grace, at least the kind of grace that comes from God, so out of curiosity, I did a search of Bible verses that included those words, wisdom and grace, in this sort of context...

And the child grew, and waxed strong, 

filled with wisdom: and the grace of God was upon him. 

(Luke 2.40)

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; 

teaching and admonishing one another 

with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, 

singing with grace 

in your hearts unto God. (Colossians 3.16)

- I've never considered this verse in this context before... Comments? -

For our glorying is this, the testimony of our conscience, 

that in holiness and sincerity of God, 

not in fleshly wisdom but in the grace of God, 

we behaved ourselves in the world, and more abundantly to you-ward.

(2 Corinthians 1.12)

And Jesus advanced in wisdom, and age, and grace with God and men.

(Luke 2.52)

...In whom we have redemption through his blood, the remission of sins, 

according to the riches of his grace, 

Which hath super-abounded in us in all wisdom and prudence, 

That he might make known unto us the mystery of his will, 

according to his good pleasure...

(Ephesians 1.7-9)

*****************************************

How do I become wiser and more graceful? 

And very specifically: how do we gently hold ourselves and each other accountable for wise and graceful online interactions and communications?

(The picture in this post is a screen shot from the first season episode entitled Law of the Land.)

Are you watching out for those dress code police?

This past week I've been corresponding with the administration at the school our kids will attend while we are back in the States for home assignment.

Alert... minor dress code violation!

When that school confirmed they still required uniforms, I felt - as in exhaling a HUGE sigh of relief - reassured - because dress codes (all aspects of them - determining them, establishing them, enforcing them, maintaining them, shopping so that my kids can abide by them etc.) just leave me tired and frustrated. Since my computer was informing me that the temperature outside was 112'F at that moment, I didn't need anything else to compound those sorts of feelings!

Dress codes are one of those things I get and don't get... all at the same time. 

Parents, not schools or other organizations, are the ones responsible for determining a dress code for their own children. As a parent, I also believe that in general, we can't leave teenagers to independently establish a dress standard that the adults in their lives will deem acceptable. It is not, however, the role of the school to come up with a standard of dress that they think every person needs to follow. I do understand that there needs to be some sort of standard or guidelines - for the sake of uniformity and presenting a collective image as students of the school, but adding a judgmental component: right/wrong or modest/immodest or appropriate/inappropriate is not, I believe, a beneficial position for the school to take. Parents may agree to enforce a school's dress code, but realize that when parents do not "buy into" a particular code, that is all it is - abiding by someone else's externally applied rule because the pros outweigh the cons as far as a child's education is concerned. 

Does anyone else find it concerning that parents, in cooperation with schools, then risk teaching legalistic attitudes, that outward outweighs what's happening on the inside, that hypocrisy is justifiable under certain circumstances, that modesty is just about clothing and is concretely and finitely  measurable, and that independent of God and in our own strength we can obey the law? 

Nevertheless, most student handbooks include a list of dress guidelines comprised of some general statement about clothing being neat, modest and clean followed by a list of all the things that are not allowed (i.e. tank tops, muscle shirts, spaghetti straps, midriffs, cutoffs, etc.). Some schools get even more specific - to the point of measuring how far above or below a knee a skirt slit can be, how low on the hips a pair of pants may permissibly ride or how many fingers wide the strap on a sleeveless shirt must be.Some schools find all these rules to be either burdensome or ridiculous and therefore choose to adopt a school uniform. Acceptable items of clothing are then detailed by the school administration and/or teaching staff and the family must then purchase a minimum number of the approved items so that their children arrive at school appropriately clothes. In local Nigerien schools, when students register, they are given tiny swatches of the uniform colors (i.e. khaki for the bottoms, sky blue for the tops) and directions like skirts for girls, ankle length pants for boys, and shirts must have collars and sleeves. They purchase material, take it to a tailor and have their uniforms made. There is some room for individual style and tastes, but most uniforms do end up having a similar look.

What I don't get about dress codes is all the fuss. Yes. Set up some standards and then gently, graciously enforce them. Many times, all it takes is a quiet reminder and a sheepish student fixes the problem because s/he realizes they got caught seeing how far s/he could push... or because s/he honest to goodness didn't recognize s/he was violating the rules and is horrified to be "in trouble..." or the upper elementary kid who has grown and lengths that were acceptable at the beginning of the year no longer work... Don't humiliate or berate children for their clothing choices. Don't automatically assume the worst possible motivations. Don't place children in the role of "dress code police." Don't create anxiety so that students agonize over their clothing choices each morning. Recognize that youth will experiment with what they wear and how it looks and evaluate the different reactions they get based on their clothing. They are exploring what it means to be masculine or feminine and developing a style that says, "Hey, this is me!" Modesty is a concern - but the point of modesty is not making sure the girls don't dress in a way that is tempting to guys (unfortunately, that is what is has come down to in many dress codes). Rather the point is to not call attention to yourself, but instead in your comportment and presentation to bring glory to God - and inherent in the word modesty is also the word softness or gentleness. Dealing with dress code infractions in a harsh or "bully-ing" way undermines that whole principle - and will never bring a "...harvest of love, joy, peace; patience towards others, kindness, benevolence..." (WNT) which then causes me to wonder how many dress codes are the overflow of the work of the Spirit.

What to do with those repeat offenders who are continually pushing the line? The first resource needs to be parents. Parents repeatedly required to leave work, come to school to get their child who violates the code, take them home and help them to find something acceptable and then return them to school will typically begin to ensure that their child dresses appropriately and then accountability falls back on parental shoulders (speaking as a parent, that is exactly where I think it should be). Since both parents and students are typically required to sign student handbooks at the beginning of the school year, parents have already agreed to support the school and their dress code. 

Of course, all of these issues remind me of the benefits of uniforms. Choosing one makes it easier to identify the compliant as well as the defiant. Another plus for uniforms? Teenage girls flinging clothing items all over the bedroom moaning about having nothing to wear becomes a thing of the past - they simply pull the uniform out of the dryer from the day before, iron as needed, get dressed and head out the door for school. 

So yes, I'm clearly a fan of uniforms? How about you? Why or why not? 

I was discussing this with a group of friends the other day and one person commented that our Korean families (we work at an international school) are some of the most adamant against uniforms - recalling too strongly the absolute lack of individualism and the oppression of communism.

Do you have other examples like this one I just mentioned? If you are a supporter of uniforms, how would you address the above concern? If you know of a different concern, what is it and how would you address that one?

Saving Face for Another

Have you ever thought about what it means, protecting another's reputation... considering them before thinking about yourself?

Since moving to Niger, I have... a lot more... be it the reputation of my husband, one of my kids, my boss, an employee, a pastor or his wife, someone in the church with whom I might disagree...

Based on my observations and experience, in the "West," people tend to be more blunt - saying what they think or believe to be true without reservation, even if it means the discomfort or embarrassment of another.

In Niger, on the other hand, people avoid saying anything that will bring discomfort, embarrassment or even disappointment to the listener...

~including a shop owner saying he'll have an item in next week... even if that is far less than likely... because he might sincerly hope to have said product available, guaranteeing your pleasure and future patronage... next week.

~or perhaps the repair man who tells you that your electric piano can be fixed...  just have to find the pieces in the market and they are surely there... and he'll get right on it... yet several months later, the piano still sits.

~a vet guaranteeing the effectiveness of a certain medication to help your sick pet... and then the well-loved creature continues to fail and eventually needs to be put down.

I remember clearly on time. Safana, my friend and who used to be our house helper in earlier terms, was horribly uncomfortable when I put her in an awkward situation. Someone came to the door, asking for help. I couldn't understand the Hausa and asked her to translate. After hearing what the person "needed" (in these types of circumstances, it is often questionable whether it is a true need or a scam as someone looks for easy money), I asked her, in front of the person, if she thought it was true or not. She couldn't answer and begged off not being sure she understood everything the person was saying because: 1) Even if she knew the lady at the door was being untruthful, culturally, she couldn't directly confront her by saying she didn't believe her story in front of her, and 2) She didn't want to see me taken advantage of and subsequently embarrassed and frustrated by being taken in by yet another scam.

At first, I found this frustrating... angering (well, actually, sometimes, I still do). In my mindset, it was simply deceitful...

But, I'm slowly learning that it isn't deceitful... at least not in this world... any more than choosing not to say you don't like your friend's newest haircolor... or saying "Wow! That's a different color for you!" instead of "Yuck!" is untruthful back in Michigan. It is simply the local version of tact. When one of the ladies in church hears a response like what the shop owner I described above said, they don't hear, "That person promised to have that available for me next week." Instead, they hear, "That person wants to sell that item to me as soon as it is available. When it becomes available, she or he will set aside and let me know - and probably give me credit, too."

Words are funny, aren't they? The same words said by the same person but heard by two different people can mean two totally different things and can elicit two or more totally different responses.

Slowly, I'm learning to appreciate the fact that culturally,  protecting someone's public image and reputation, as well as striving to please them, are almost always more important than declaring black and white truth.

I recently experienced a different, but somewhat similar situation. When Mary Michelle was sick with typhoid earlier this month, the doctor was having an exceedingly difficult time - first drawing blood (5 pokes later...) and then flushing the port so that they could get the IV meds started. After having experienced IV treatments several times at this point in my motherhood journey, I've learned to recognize just a bit about IVs. I could see exactly what the doctor was doing wrong. I could have said something immediately - but I chose to wait. I ended up restraining  a very upset, distressed little girl with a very sore arm for at least 10 minutes... which felt like forever... while the doctor and his assistant tried to get this IV going. I wanted to point out their error, but I felt the Holy Spirit quietly impressing on my heart that although this was uncomfortable for Mary Michelle, although it was frustrating for me... respecting the doctor's authority, education and position, especially with others around, was more important because in the eternal scheme of things, testimony and relationship were significantly larger issues than a few tears, irritation, discomfort and my desire that things be done just right for my/our convenience - and a head-on collision with the truth of the doctor's error might have damaged a lot more than just his pride. Protecting this doctor's reputation and not shaming him in front of other clients and colleagues was the bigger issue, even though it didn't feel that way in my heart as I held my very sick, sad and sore baby.

God slowly continues to teach me that grace, gentleness and laying aside what I consider to be my rights is more often the narrow path that He'd have me to follow than my "prophetic" desires to proclaim truth and confront error. That is not an easy truth for me to swallow... yet I'm so thankful that more often than not, that is how He deals with me.

What do you think?

What might you have done in a similar situation?

And, I must add, with the exception of those few moments, Mary Michelle received superb and caring medical attention throughout our most recent medical moments.

Comedy or Drama?

One fun project Tim recently completed was editing a recent production by the drama class of Sahel Academy. We've included a tiny clip here because we felt the kids did a great job, not just in acting but in coming up with sets/props/etc... it isn't so easy here where we don't have a Walmart or a Home Depot to run to. Additionally, a good number of the students participating in this elective class were in grades 7-9 and several are Brendan's friends and classmates. It gives you just a little picture of where he is going to school! Hope you enjoy!

One other little detail - tonight is graduation night. Brendan will be playing with the school orchestra/music ensemble ("Pomp and Circumstance," of course.) We'd appreciate prayers for the event, and that God's name would be glorified through all of the fun, excitement, activity and sadness of goodbyes as people move on.

Wonderful Heritage

A few weeks back, Richelle and her mom were chatting on Yahoo Messenger, and Mom mentioned that she had been working on Nana & Pop-pop's photo albums. She had also scanned several photos, which she has since passed along to us through Yahoo's photo sharing. It has been so much fun sharing these photos with our children and with our African friends. Honoring your parents and grandparents is an important part of the culture here; the fact that our parents and grandparents support us wholeheartedly in this ministry helps in building bridges.

We can't wait until we are home later this year- Everyone is looking forward to a trip to S. Illinois to visit Nana and Pop-pop... Unfortunately, it will probably be too cold to sit on the porch swing, drink coffee and visit, but we treasure each opportunity we have to see them and to let our children meet and/or get to know them better.

Enjoy the photos-

Nana with her sisters.

Nana as a young teen.

"Mama, she's beautiful!" was Rebekah's response.

Pop in uniform. Brendan found this photo very impressive.

Their wedding picture. Victoria says that Nana's hair looks long

just like hers, " 'cept not white."

Home after their honeymoon. This is Anna's and Richelle's favorite picture because they look so happy.

Jonathan liked this one of their growing family with

Mom and Aunt Donna.

It was the baby that caught his attention.

After several opportunities to go "bird huntin'" with Pop-pop,

this was Tim's perferred photo.

Any guesses who the baby is in this picture?

Nadia knew right away - it is Richelle.

Nana and Pop-pop are on either side;

Grandma Stewart is holding her.

Their 50th wedding anniversary.

What an example for the rest of us!

And Brendan was there - so was Rebekah, although she hadn't made her offical appearance yet.

This is Richelle's other favorite, taken Mother's Day, May 2004.

Pop-pop is so handsome and Nana is still beautiful as ever!

This is the most recent picture we have of them, taken with Nana's sister, Aunt Marge just this past April. We could never thank them enough for their faithful prayers and support. Even though we are so far away and can't get back to see them often, they are often in our thoughts and prayers, too.